Contrition
by carlycarter
Summary: Kate/Juliet Femslash. Life after the island.... “They are all dead, because of her. And you’ll be next.” Jack warned you. “Not true.” You answered quickly. “They are all dead because of me.”
1. Chapter 1

Just written in fun, I mean no offence to anyone or their favourite characters on LOST. Just how I see things in my crazy mind... Hope you enjoy.

1.1 Present Day- United States.

You stand nervously on the doorstep. The surrounding are so unfamiliar. You shift subconsciously from one foot to the other as the little baby stirs in your arms. You hold her close, taking a deep breath. It never ceases to amaze you the impact of a sleeping baby, how peace could descend instantly. With your free hand you reach forward and ring the door bell.

As you hear the footsteps down the hall, that sense of peace shifts suddenly, as fragments of fear and shame make their way through, piercing your heart. It's been so long. You waited too long. You shouldn't be here, not now.

The little boy answers the door. Your breath catches in your throat. He is strikingly beautiful. And you fall instantly in love with him. You know in that moment you would die for him, just as you would die for that baby girl in your arms.

He smiles brightly "May I help you?" He asks. He is so grown up. A real little boy, not the baby you had pictured. You had missed so much of his life. So much time cruelly stolen. So much time you've recklessly discarded. It had been almost a year since you returned from the island. And you hadn't lifted a finger to find her.

"Is your mom home?" You manage to ask. The little boy nods and runs down the hall, calling for his mother.

How tempted you were in that moment. To leave that baby girl on the doorstep and run. It would be so easy.

You hear Rachel's sobs before you see her.

"Juliet?" She asks in disbelief "Is it really you? I knew you would come back."

Had you not been holding that baby, Rachel would have knocked you over in her enthusiasm.

She reaches forward to touch you and you step back instinctively, feeling so out of place, so unworthy.

You say nothing, your eyes cloud over with fear. Every unspoken thing about you telling your sister to keep her distance, not to push you too fast.

Rachel gets the message. She stops. Tears in her eyes. She turns her attention to her son, calling for him without turning her gaze from you and the precious baby in your arms. "Julian." She calls him. She is crying, but there is excitement in her voice. Something like joy. "Julian, come here." She calls to her son urgently. "Julian, this is your aunty Juliet, the one I always tell you about."

The boy stands looking up to you in awe as Rachel puts her arms around him protectively, just as you cradle that little girl close in your arms. Somehow, with the children standing in the gap between you, that gap seems to get a little smaller.

"Come in, please." Rachel asks you, stepping aside for you to enter. And you follow the little boy into the house, keeping that baby girl oh so close, as if she could shield you from all the regret and pain that has come between you and your sister. As if nothing can hurt you with that baby in your arms.

"Is that your baby?" Julian asks, peering at the sleeping bundle in your arms.

"Yes." You answer him. It was somehow so much easier to converse with the child. He had no expectations. Not like Rachel, you feel her expectant eyes upon you every second. "This is my daughter, your cousin." You say to your nephew.

"She's cute." Julian tells you, before he turns to his mother. "I was cute when i was a baby, wasn't I mom?"

"Yes." Rachel answers. "You were beautiful. "

That's when you couldn't hold your own tears any longer as you recalled your promise to Rachel, that you'd be there when her baby was born. You think of how sick she had been, everything that she had been through, and you abandoned her. What must she think of you? How will you ever explain? It had been a mistake coming here.

"May I hold her?" Rachel asks. You don't want to let the baby go. But you can't refuse Rachel anything. Not when she is standing there tears in her eyes, wanting only to hold your baby, as you'd both promised you'd do for one another when you were little girls.

Rachel's arms brush against your own as she takes the baby from you. Rachel tries to look you in the eye, but you turn away, hastily brushing away tears. Remembering how badly Rachel had wanted you to be there for her and Julian when he was a baby. How you let her down. And now here you are landing on her doorstep out of nowhere asking for help. It was all so very wrong.

"Look Julian. " Rachel told her little boy. "Sit here, very still alright. Do you want to hold your cousin?"

The boy sits obediently as his mother places the sleeping child in his arms. It is then you realise that Rachel isn't nearly as interested in the baby as you believed. Sure, her eyes lit up as she held that baby girl. But she had only really wanted to take the baby from your arms, so there was nothing standing between you.

With the children occupied, Rachel stands, opposite you, nowhere for you to run, nothing to hide behind.

"Juliet?" Rachel asks, and you take a deep breath as you tear your gaze from the children and turn to face your sister.

You gasp when you see into her eyes. When you realise that there is nothing but love in there. Nothing but love and forgiveness and pure joy. No trace of anger, disappointment or shame. And yet it was that very same unconditional, undeserved love that weighs so heavily upon you, making you feel like you can't breathe.

Before you can protest, Rachel pulls you into a tight embrace, as you both cry. All you can manage to say to her after all these years is "I'm sorry."

And she only answers you with, "Shh, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I've missed you so much."

"I missed you to, you have no idea." And you mean it from the bottom of your heart.

Rachel finally loosens her grip as Julian interrupts.

"Aunt Juliet?" the boy calls you, And the words sound so strange to your ears. "I'm named after you, did you know that?"

"Yes, I knew that." You manage to answer, trying to wipe the tears from your eyes, but they just keep falling.

"What is your little girls name? " The child asks you innocently

The question takes you by surprise. Of all the unanswerable questions you had been expecting, that one hadn't crossed your mind. The baby's name?

Rachel eyes you quizzically, as you struggle to formulate and answer on the spot.

"Aunty Juliet is tired." Rachel tells the boy, buying you some time.

"Her name is Hope." You hear the words from your own mouth before you even realise that you have given her a name.

"Hope?" Rachel asks "That's perfect."


	2. Chapter 2

1.2 One year ago. On the island

You held your breath as you watched Ben beat the other woman brutally. It wasn't his style really, to be so physically violent. He preferred mental torture, it was all the more excruciating, more effective. But you realised as you watched on in horrified silence, that this was exactly his way of torturing Kate. You had read all about her family, her father and the way he beat her and her mother. It was Ben's way of humiliating her, degrading her. And you stood, watching. Refusing to turn your eyes away. Every instinct in you wanted to push him off her, to take Kate in your arms and hold her.

Kate's eyes clouded over, with rage and terror. You hardly recognised her. She fought him so fiercely. You wanted to plead with her to stop, it only made him angry. She made things so difficult for herself. But you knew if you opened your mouth, it would only make things worse, for you and for Kate. So you kept your silence.

After Ben had finished, he walked past you standing in the doorway, kissing you on the cheek. "Keep an eye on her." He warned you.

You stood for a moment, as if you were waiting to make sure Ben had left. Not that it mattered. It was Ben's plan, all of this, that you befriend the woman. Gain her trust. But the joke was on Ben. Because you found yourself inexplicably drawn to her. Against every reason you could think of.

You pushed the cameras aside as you approached her. This was for Kate's benefit, not Ben's. Anything he caught on camera he would only attribute to his master plan. But you wanted her to know that Ben wasn't watching. That it was just the two of you. You wanted her to trust you.

You kneeled down to where she was curled on the hard wooden floor. You reached forward to touch her, Kate pulled away instinctively.

"Please, I'm not going to hurt you." You told her gently.

Kate struggled to sit up, trying hard not to flinch. She locked eyes with you "What do you want?" She demanded to know.

"I'm sorry." You told her.

"How sorry can you be? You just stood there and watched him beat the shit out of me."

"Why do you provoke him? He would have left you alone but you insist on fighting back. You bring it all on yourself Kate, you really do."

You saw something flicker in her eyes at your words. You wondered how often she had heard those words in the past. From her father, her mother. And just like that, after those few careless words, she completely froze you out.

You found yourself desperately fishing for something to say to redeem yourself in her eyes. Uncertain why it even meant so much to you, only certain that it did.

"I'm only trying to help." You explained. "I'm a prisoner here too, Kate." You finally admitted.

Kate scoffed in disbelief.

"You don't believe me? Why would I come here Kate? To this island? To these people? Spend three years of my life here? I have a life back home. People waiting for me." Your voice trailed off at the thought of your sister and nephew.

"Go on, I'm listening." Kate prompted you. And you realised that you had her attention.

As you began, it occurred to you that you had never told that story aloud to a living soul. About your sister, her illness, her pregnancy. About being drugged and waking up on that submarine. Desperately wanting to go home, and Ben holding Rachel's illness over you. About the patients who died in your care as you sat back powerless. How homesick you were, that you would do anything to escape. How you wanted to die every single morning that you woke up and realised this wasn't a nightmare, but the thought, the hope, of seeing your sister, that baby boy, is what kept you going.

You felt Kate's eyes upon you the entire time you were speaking. "That's all very touching. But, Really, you kidnapped me. Tormented my friends, conducting your bizarre experiments on us. You just stood there watching while your friend almost beat me to death. So I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of compassion for you right now."

It's not like you could have expected more from her. Did you really think you'd win her over with a few words after everything that happened? Tell some tragic story and have her suddenly trust you and want you in her life, the way you somehow knew you wanted her in yours. It's not like her rejection should have wounded you, but it did. It made you defensive. It made you almost angry. Honestly, it cut right to the bone.

"Suit yourself. I was trying to help you. Thought you could use a friend." You told her as you got up to walk away.

"You want to be my friend?" She asked you in disbelief.

"I just told you things I've never told anyone. The deepest secrets of my life. "

"I don't think so." She answered, shaking her head.

"Excuse me?"

"If you want to be my friend, Juliet, then tell me the real reason you left your life behind and came to this island."

No one had ever asked you that. No one had ever looked at you, and seen right through you like Kate did in that moment. "I just told you." You answered her quickly.

"The REAL reason." Kate said again, slowly. "The real reason you left when your sister had been so sick..."

"She was in remission." You defended yourself.

"..When you had just achieved this amazing goal, she was pregnant, when she needed you by her side..."

"She told me to go, she gave me her blessing." Speaking it aloud you realised how unbelievable it all sounded.

"I'm sure that's what she said." Kate agreed, punctuated by the unspoken judgement that you shouldn't have listened. That Rachel needed you and you should have known better. Kate continued, asking you again " What's the real reason a smart woman like you would allow herself to be drugged and dragged to this island? You must have had a bad feeling about it?" Kate kept asking you questions, and you realised how insane the whole things sounded. And if this stranger could take one look at you and see right through you, how would you ever explain any of this to Rachel?

"How do you know these things? About me?" You wanted to know

"Not nice, is it? When someone knows everything about you, and throws it in your face time and time again." No doubt referring to the information Ben had collected on the survivors of the plane crash. And the times you had used it against her, tormenting her with the things you knew about her and Sawyer, her and Jack.

"You have some sort of secret file about me?" You couldn't help but ask. Even though it wasn't possible. You had been here years before that plane crashed. You were the one with the knowledge, the power, not Kate. Yet how had she known all those things about you? And no, you silently answered her question, it isn't nice at all.

"No." Kate laughed. "That's your thing. But I know when someone is lying to me. And I know when someone is running so hard from something that they've almost convinced themselves it doesn't exist. So tell me, what's the real reason you ended up here? "


	3. Chapter 3

1.3 Six months prior to present day. Darwin, Australia. 

You found it hard to walk, finally on solid ground, after weeks aboard that ship. As you made your way on foot into the city centre, finally for the first time in years, you realised you couldn't smell that salty coast air. As you descended into the city, everything seemed distantly familiar, yet so foreign. Cars, traffic lights, sirens, smog, crowds of people. It was surreal. And you kept blinking, as if you expected it all to vanish before your very eyes.

You said nothing to one another as you crossed the busy street. You had nothing in the way of money or ID. You were essentially stranded in a foreign city. You were going to have a very hard time explaining who you were and where you'd come from.

It was fortunate that no one on board that ship spoke English. A lucky thing that ship was illegally and secretly docked in Australia. Kate had been right, it would be so easy to slip away unnoticed. It was tempting. The three of you jumped off that ship into Australia, and no one so much as blinked. It had all been frighteningly easy.

"Let me." Kate offered as she turned into a motel on the main road.

You and Jack followed her inside, but you turned your head, not really wanting to know what kind of tale Kate was spinning to get you into that motel room without so much as a credit card between the three of you.

"She's unbelievable." Jack shook his head in disgust.

"Yes." You answered defensively, adoration in your voice "She is amazing."

Kate, giving a fake name and smiling brightly, spun some story to explain her dishevelled appearance and lack of ID. The man at the desk smiled back at her. It hurt you a little to see her flirting with him. And it hurt more to see how easy she had slipped behind this mask. You'd read all about her life on the run, the marriages, fake names, different identities, and it scared you to see the real Kate vanish before your very eyes so suddenly.

Wearily made your way to the five star room Kate had managed to talk you into. It was all so different from the way you had imagined it. You anticipated it would have been taken out of your hands. You imagined media everywhere. Rachel would see you on TV before you even had a chance to try and explain. The police would come for Kate. It would all be over. This was an anti climax. A strange reprieve for you and Kate both.

"Back in the real world." Jack announced, in relief and disbelief. He helped himself to a drink from the mini bar, and made himself at home on the sofa.

You stood for a moment, surveying your surroundings. Trying to ascertain if this was just another dream.

"It doesn't feel like home." You mumbled. Everything felt so strange, you felt like an alien.

"When you get back to the states you'll feel better." Kate said as she approached you from behind.

It didn't escape your notice that Kate said 'you' and not 'we'.

"How are we going to get back, we have no money, no ID?" you wondered aloud, deliberately emphasising the 'We.'

"Your sister will come and get you." Kate answered, again talking in the singular.

"And you, Kate?" You finally asked.

Kate only shrugged and turned away from you.

Jack broke the awkward silence. "Look Kate, I'm not going to turn you in. But I'm not going to hide out here with you either. I'm waiting for my family to get in touch with the embassy tomorrow, and I'll be on a plane back home by tomorrow afternoon. You too Juliet, if you want to come. I'll be home by the end of the week."

"What are you going to tell them?" Kate asked him, ignoring the rest of his statement. "They think you're dead."

"The truth, that I survived the plane crash, was stranded on an island, a ship came past. I'll tell them I'm the sole survivor, I already told you I won't turn you in. But I won't help you either."

"And Juliet?" Kate wanted to know "What will you tell them about her?"

"Well that's a lot easier. Since they don't think she died in a plane crash. Her sister will just have to prove her identity."

Kate nodded. He seemed to have it all figured out. And you sat silently as they discussed your fate, as if it had nothing to do with you.

"And you, Kate?" You asked her again.

"This place isn't so bad. I like Australia. I could learn to like it."

You shook your head.

"There is nothing for me back home Juliet. No one waiting for me. Just a murder trial." She explained.

It had been an ongoing debate between the two of you since you first realised you were going to slip into the real world undetected. Finally, she had wore you down. Perhaps she was right. Who were you to drag her back to the states? Could you live with yourself if you coerced her into going home and she was locked away for the next twenty years?

"Ok." You agreed "We'll stay." Just like that, your fate decided.

This met with arguments from Jack and Kate both.

"Are you crazy?" Jack asked you "You're finally free, finally get to go home, and you want to throw it all away, for her?"

She is my home, you wanted to say to Jack. Instead you said nothing, staring at him defiantly. He turned from you then, to Kate "Don't drag her down with you Kate. Turn yourself in, for once in your life do the right thing."

"Shut up" you told him. "It's nothing to do with you."

"Just trying to help. " He protested, as he retreated to the bathroom for a long awaited shower, leaving you and Kate alone.

There was no choice about it. If she wasn't coming back to the USA with you, then you were staying in Australia with her. End of story.

You remembered how Kate had hesitated when she saw that ship approach the island. Jack had run for his life to climb on board, but Kate had stood still, staring. You thought she was thinking about the trial, the things facing her back home. And you understood her hesitation. But instead she turned to you and said.

"It won't be the same, back there."

"What?" You asked

"You and me." She answered sadly.

"Don't be silly." You told her "It will be better you'll see, away from this place."

It's not like there was another option. The three of you were the three sole survivors on that island. There were too many bad memories, too much death. You would have driven each other insane stuck on that place a moment longer. You needed to get off that island. No question about it.

Only now do you finally realise Kate was right to be afraid. Nothing was the same, everything was so much more complicated back in the real world. And for the first time you caught yourself longing as you never ever imagined you would, to be back on that island.


	4. Chapter 4

1.4 Six months and some weeks ago. On board a mysterious illegal non English speaking smuggling ship in oceania. 

"You said you would help me." Kate pleaded

"That was back then, back there." You answered her. _Back there where I would have done anything to save your life. Back then where I did in fact let dozens of innocent people die to save you, Kate._

"You changed your mind." Kate accused.

"Things changed. There isn't any reason. Not here. Life is so precious. I don't understand how you can even ask me..."

"I don't want to kill it. I just can't keep it." She told you.

It always sent chills down your spine, that tone of voice she used when she said 'it' in reference to her unborn child. You understood, back there on the island, back there when you'd told her that pregnancy would kill her. You understood she didn't want to get attached. You understood that she wanted you to terminate the pregnancy. You would have done it anyway, regardless of her wishes. You would not have been able to sit back and watch her die. To add her name to that unending list of women you were supposed to save and couldn't. But that was then and there, this was here and now. Away from that ghastly island, on board this ship bound for Australia. You were both free. She would be fine. The baby would be fine. After you spent your career trying to help woman get pregnant, It chilled you to the bone to hear the way she talked about getting rid of this baby.

"Kate, that's your child you're talking about." You reminded her gently.

"I don't expect you to understand." She answered.

That infuriated you. After everything you'd been through, after everything you'd risked and sacrificed to save her life, how could she dismiss you so easily "Try me." You suggested. Trying not to get angry. You were both exhausted after the long boat journey. Neither of you had slept for days. Neither of you were thinking clearly. You had finally escaped that hellish island, the three of you. You, Kate and Jack. Only to find yourself imprisoned on that ghastly ship for the weeks it took to reach Australia. You hadn't many opportunities to talk to Kate alone, Jack seemed to be around constantly. He didn't know about the pregnancy. You were the only one that knew. And thankfully Jack attributed Kate's morning sickness to sea sickness. You were confident that he didn't suspect a thing. Not that it was the kind of thing you could keep secret forever.

"You don't know me." Kate told you.

That infuriated you even more. "Obviously not " You answered flatly.

"You don't know what's inside of me, what was inside of my father. The only chance this kid has is far away from me. Look what my own mother thinks of me. What kind of a mother would I be?"

You tried not to be too dismissive, after all you could see this was genuinely bothering her. But honestly, that was all complete nonsense. It took every ounce of restraint not to tell her how completely ridiculous she was being. Instead you looked her straight in the eye, taking her hand in your own gently, and told her "I know you, Kate. I know how good you are, how strong and how brave, and how much love you have to give. And I'll be right there by your side."

"What kind of life could I give this kid? On the run from the law? Or from a Jail cell?" She asked you.

"It won't come to that, we'll work something out. We'll get a great lawyer. .."

She shrugged off all your reassurances as meaningless. "I couldn't stand to look at it every day. To be reminded of it's father. To be tied to that man for the rest of my life."

"The father is dead." You reminded her. "Forget him. It's just us now."

Kate stopped in that moment. Stopped with all her ridiculous protests and stared right at you. Only months later did you stop and wonder. Had she ever actually told you who the father was? You made so many assumptions, and she had never corrected you. But she had never actually come out and said his name. Kate opened her mouth to say something in that moment. But stopped herself.

"You could take it with you." She finally spoke, leaving the subject of the father for dead. You were so appalled by her suggestion that the father left your thoughts too.

"The baby?" You asked her.

She nodded.

"Take it where?" You demanded to know.

"Back to the US, to your sister and your nephew."

"But Kate," You told her slowly "You'll be right there beside me." Even as you said the words, you knew she was having second thoughts. That after everything you'd done for her, she was going to leave you behind for dust.

"No one on this freaking ship even speaks english. Whatever they are transporting, I don't think its legal. When we get to Australia, it will be the perfect chance. I could just disappear."

"We talked about this." You reminded her.

"But we thought it would be so different. Media everywhere. No choice but to turn myself in."

"I'm not listening to this anymore. This isn't the answer. You're talking crazy. None of this is the answer. You're not thinking clearly." She couldn't really be thinking about going on the run again, what kind of life was that? Leaving her baby behind, leaving you behind? It was madness.

She rolled her eyes. "Because I don't agree with you Juliet, I'm not thinking clearly? Of course, I forgot that you're so much smarter than me." She said bitterly.

"Stop it, Kate."

"It's all very easy for you to decide what's best, you're not the one going to end up in a jail cell for the rest of your life."

"I'm not the one who killed a man in cold blood either." You told her. You don't even know where that came from. Not when you looked at the countless people who died on that island because of you. It wasn't even true. You had plenty of blood on your own hands. You were just so sick of this endless argument. You wanted it to stop. She was so impossible when she was like this. There was no way for you to win. No matter what you said or did, she was going to leave you. You regretted the words instantly, but you learned long ago that words, once spoken, can never be recalled.


	5. Chapter 5

1.5 Back in Darwin...

"You can't come with me Juliet. I don't want you to come with me." Kate's voice pulled you back into the moment.

How that hurt. Even thought you knew why she was saying it, that rejection cut straight through you.

"Your sister, your nephew, your life. You can't walk away from that." She continued.

"Rachel's life went on without me. My life is with you now, Kate." You told her.

"I can't ask you to do it." She repeated.

"Then come back with me, Kate." Truly you couldn't help but agree with Jack. Running was senseless, no kind of life. Living like that, always hiding, always pretending, you started to lose parts of yourself, to forget who you were. And the court would understand, surely, they would take into account all those years of abuse. "You can't run forever Kate, it takes its toll. It's time to face up to it, to tell the truth. I know it's frightening, but I'll be by your side every step of the way."

In that moment you saw that thing that snapped in her eyes. Thing that always snapped when you were being so sincere, so caring, so honest, with her. When you were trying so hard to reassure her. In her eyes you saw anger. That unfounded, unjustified anger she let lose towards you when she was afraid. And it made you angry in return. You just offered to give up your whole life for her, here you stood trying so hard to help her, and all you got for your trouble was her lashing out at you. As if you caused this whole situation.

"Don't you think I know that I can't run? I have to live with the things I did, every single day of my life, Juliet. I can't change it. And going back there, letting them lock me up, won't change anything either. You want me to throw my life away just so I can hold your hand on the way back home because you're scared to face your sister? "

It took every single ounce of restraint there and then not to tell her 'Fine. Have it your way. Just fuck off then, Kate, throw your life away, see if I care.' But you held your tongue.

The conversation should have stopped there and then, but she was on a roll, and continued "There is a phone right there, Juliet. Jack didn't wait two minutes to call his family. You're not planning on calling her at all are you? And you're using me as your convenient excuse, blaming me for everything when the truth is you're just too damn scared to pick up the phone and call her. The truth is you want to disappear as much as I do."

As much as you hated to admit it, there was some shred of truth to those words deep down. And instead of walking away as you were so tempted to do, you answered her.

"Yes, I want to disappear. And yes I'm terrified. But running away isn't the answer. It doesn't solve anything. You can't run forever Kate. "

"It's my life." She told you, and her words stung. "And they think I died in a plane crash, who is going to find me?" She adds. "And you didn't answer me, why haven't you called your sister yet? "

"It's our life, Kate. Our second chance. " You told her. It took courage to proclaim that to her given the way she was speaking to you. But you meant it. You needed her to hear it. "And yes I think we need to go home. Not because I want it for me, because you just told me, it would easy for me to stay here too. But because it's the right thing to do Kate, the only way we can have some sort of life. But if you really won't do it, I can't force you. But I'm not going without you. And there is nothing you can do about that."

Something in her eyes softened at your last words. And you reminded yourself that she wasn't thinking clearly. That she was afraid. That she didn't really mean half the things she said. And you needed to be the one to keep your head. Just until this all settled down. That no matter what angry things she threw in your face, she was only testing you. Because she couldn't let herself trust you completely. And yes it hurt you, but you understood it. And you always managed to get through to her in the end. You believed you'd get through to her, convince her to come home with you eventually, convince her to turn herself in, so that your life together could finally begin.

You pulled her close embracing her "It will be alright Kate, you'll see. As long as we stick together, everything will be alright. Just promise me you'll never leave me."

But she didn't promise. She only asked you again about Rachel "You never answered me, about your sister."

"It's been a long time. I don't want to scare her."

"Why would it scare her?"

"I'm not the same person anymore. Her life has gone on without me."

"You're still her sister. I can't come between that. It was the thing that kept you alive all those years."

"I think we both know that you're not the reason I haven't called Rachel. " You admit finally.

"I can't be the reason that you don't go home safely to your sister. We'll go back, to the US."

You couldn't help the smile across your face, even though her own face was stricken with fear and doubt. "I promise you I will be by your side every step of the way."

Your words did little to sooth her, and so you leaned forward to kiss her. Jack interrupted the moment reappearing from the shower, jealousy written all over his face. Kate laughed, as he stood there awkwardly the way he always did when he caught the two of you together. It was the first time you'd seen Kate laugh in so long. And she looked so damn beautiful. And as she disappeared into the shower, you really started to believe that finally, maybe, everything would be alright.

"Just cut her loose Juliet." Jack told you after Kate left the room.

"Excuse me?" You had just about enough of him. So many things to work out and he wasn't helping anything. You were beginning to wish you'd left him to die with the others on that freaking island.

"I don't know what happened between you two on that island, it's a strange place ok. For your own good I tell you this, this is the real world Juliet. Go back to your life. Cut her loose, she is nothing but trouble. You don't need that shit in your life."

"You don't cut people you care about out of your life Jack, not if you really care." You reprimanded him.

"I care." He protested. "I care a lot about you. I even care about Kate. But I know her. Better than you do. She is self destructive. And everyone close to her gets dragged right down with her. I don't want that to happen to you."

"Thanks for your concern." You answered him. "But my life is none of your business."

"Turn her in Juliet." He told you. And the words made your blood run cold. You thought of all the people Kate had trusted, all of them so quick to turn her over to the authorities, and Jack now counted among them. You wanted her to turn herself in sure, believed it was the only way she'd ever find peace. But you could never be the one to do it. It would shatter her.

"What's it to you Jack? You said yourself you're going back to your life tomorrow. What does any of this matter to you?"

"They are all dead, because of her. And you'll be next. " He warned you. "I cant stand by and let you destroy your life without protest."

"Not true." You answered quickly. "They are all dead because of me."

"Why haven't you told her Juliet? The truth about what happened to the others on the island?"


	6. Chapter 6

1.6 Last moments on the island.

Some weeks before they arrived in Darwin, some months before the present day.

The day began like a dream. The ship on the horizon. You'd given up hope of a ship coming to save you all. But sure enough, across the vast ocean, was a ship. Salvation. Heading your way.

Then over your shoulder you turned to the village, flames raging, death and destruction all around you. The two images were harsh contrast and you felt stuck in between, as if you didn't really exist.

Ben, and the others, were running for the submarine. Having lit the fires to destroy any trace of their work, they were planning their escape before that ship arrived. Ben reached his hand to you. As if he expected you to take it, expected you to get on that sub with him. To flee with him and the others away from this place. And you realised with pride, that even after all this time, Ben didn't suspect a thing. He asked you to get close to Kate, to gain her trust. To pretend you were a prisoner too. He didn't realise that every word you spoke to Kate was straight from your heart. Every feeling you portrayed for her genuine. You did want to help her, you did love her. All this right under Ben's nose and he still thought it was an act.

It sunk in as you shook your head, refusing to join them.

"I don't believe it." Ben muttered. "Well, suit yourself Juliet."

"Where is she?" You demanded to know.

A brief look of anger flashed across Ben's face as he put it all together finally. You, his possession, you've fallen in love with her. You've been planning to betray him. Then he smiles. Because the place is burning to the ground, and she is imprisoned inside it, trapped, and he is leaving. Finally after all these years he is leaving, and offering you a chance to get home to your sister. And you can't take it, you won't. Because of her. And Ben is laughing at the poetic justice of it all.

"She is where I left her, in the western compound, locked safely inside with no way of escape." Ben tells you as he throws you the keys. "If you run Juliet, you'll save her."

That's all you needed to hear and you had already turned from him when he continued. "Every other living soul on this island is locked in a room on the eastern boundary of the village. If you run, you'll save her, and all those others will die. Or if you run the other way, you'll save them, dozens of them, and she will die."

You hadn't even stopped for a second to consider the choice, to weigh up dozens of innocent lives against Kate's life. She needed you, and you ran to her.

Jack, who had been standing by Ben's side through out this exchange, Jack who was about to save himself and get on that submarine before he heard about his people trapped in a burning building, Jack ran after you, angrily demanding the keys from you.

"Give me the other key, now Juliet!" He demanded, ready to run to the other side of the compound and free the others.

But you refused to look back at him, not until you reached that door, until you made absolutely certain you found the right key, the right room. Not until you found Kate and she was ok.

"I don't know which key it is." You called out over your shoulder.

"Then give me all the fucking keys!" He screamed.

You could see he didn't understand, not for a minute, that Kate was the most important person in your life, that you couldn't live without her. That you promised her you would take care of her, that you couldn't let her down. Maybe it was selfish, but you didn't give a shit about those other people in that moment. It's not like you were the one who bolted them inside a burning building. And maybe it wasn't even true. Maybe Ben was just messing with your head.

And so you ran for your life, having a good head start on Jack. He caught you only when you had slipped that key into the lock and opened that door to the room where Kate was trapped. He wrestled the key chain out of your hand and ran for the other side of the compound. But you knew already in your heart, it was too late for the others.

After you had freed Kate, and dragged her outside to safety, you realised finally she hadn't spoken a word to you. You looked into her eyes and all you saw was bitterness, resentment.

"Ben told me" She said finally.

"Told you what?"

"Everything." She answered. "About your plan, to befriend me, to gain my trust, make me think you were on my side."

"No Kate, that isn't true." You protested.

"Stop lying to me." She demanded. "Just leave me alone."


	7. Chapter 7

1.7 Back in Darwin yet again.

"What is he talking about?" Kate demanded to know as she appeared in the doorway interrupting you and Jack.

"Nothing. Forget it." You answered. But she wasn't buying that.

"Tell me Juliet." She demanded.

"Not now, it doesn't matter now, please Kate. Not tonight." You begged her. What good would it do to tell her that the reason all those people had died in that fire is because you'd made that choice to save her life. That Jack and begged and pleaded with you to give him the keys, and you refused. Things were shaky enough already, and you were afraid the impact that information would have. Afraid she would blame you for all those people dying, afraid she would blame herself. There was absolutely nothing positive that could come out of her knowing the circumstances behind that fire and the death of the others.

"Don't lie to me. Here you are one minute telling me all about 'our life' together, and the next minute you're outright lying to me."

"I've never lied to you Kate." You promised her "But there are things you don't need to know right now, trust me."

"Tell me" Kate turned and asked Jack, having given up on you for the moment.

You silenced Jack with an icy stare.

Kate picked up the glass of scotch he had been drinking from and threw it at the wall just inches above his head. "TELL ME!" She demanded angrily.

"For Christ sake Juliet just tell her." Jack instructed you.

"Shut up." You told him "Just shut up, it has nothing to do with you."

Kate looked to him, and then back to you, before angrily pushing past and heading for the door.

Panic filled you at the sight of her walking out the door. How easy it would be for her to disappear into the streets and never be seen again. And so you followed her, catching up with her as she left the hotel lobby. Hoping that now it was just the two of you, you might be able to get her to see some sense.

"Tell me the truth." She asked you without looking at you as you walked side by side along the street.

"Just come back inside, please, forget it, just for tonight." If the truth was going to come out one day, it sure wouldn't be while Jack was around to sell his twisted version of events.

"Tell me." She asked you again.

"No." You answered. "I can't. Not now."

"Then leave me alone." She told you angrily.

"I can't do that either, I can't leave you like this."

"I'm just going for a walk, to clear my head, I'm not leaving the country." She told you. And on some level you believed her. She wouldn't really take off like that in the middle of the night, without goodbye, without any answers about this mysterious thing you and Jack were keeping from her.

But she was impulsive, and reckless, and afraid, and angry. And everything in you told you that you couldn't allow her out of your sight right now. And so you followed behind her until she turned and angrily ordered you to get lost. "Go back to Jack" She spat at you "Go back to your precious secrets. Hell, go back to your precious united states of America with him and leave me alone. "

You knew that no words would reach her in that moment. No matter how many times you told her that there was nothing between you and Jack, no matter how many times you begged her to drop it because she really didn't want to know the truth, it would be a waste of your breath.

And so you reached forward and grabbed her, spinning her around to face you. Hoping that if she looked into your eyes it might just be enough to make her understand.

But Kate angrily pushed you aside, inadvertently pushing you onto the road, into the path of an oncoming car. And that's the last thing you remembered before everything went black.

~

5 days later- Still in Darwin.

You woke in the hospital, with Kate's name on your lips. You opened your eyes to find Jack by your bed side.

"She is gone, Juliet." He told you softly.

Your head was spinning, but you managed to sit up, to pull the IV from your arm. No, Kate couldn't be gone, not without goodbye, not when you told her you were going to leave everything behind to be with her, not after you let all those people die to save her.

Jack pushed you back onto the bed. "She is gone Juliet. She almost killed you, and left you for dead. She is gone."

"It was an accident." You defended her to Jack.

"She left you stranded in a foreign country, lying bleeding on the road side. Face it, she doesn't give a shit about you. I told you that all along. Kate only cares about Kate." Jack told you harshly.

"I have to find her." You told him.

"You won't find her."

"She can't be that far." You reasoned

"You've been unconscious for days, Juliet. She could be anywhere."

"Why didn't you stop her? Why didn't you follow her?" You demand to know.

"Excuse me I was a little bit busy saving your life." He answered.

"You wanted this all along." You accused him.

"This?" He asks you, "No I never wanted this. Any of this. Maybe now you finally realise what a waste it was saving her life that day. Maybe now you finally realise I was right about her. That it's for the best she is gone. You can get on with your life, without Kate."


End file.
